Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
