i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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