I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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