Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
