She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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