I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
