We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
no, he came in my armpit
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
