I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
