A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
