There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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