dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
splinters make it hard to masturbate
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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