um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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