I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
