I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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