I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
