When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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