I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
