im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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