You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
