you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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