Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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