so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
