ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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