I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
