i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
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Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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