Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
