If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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