I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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