I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
