I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
