I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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