Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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