thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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