You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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