Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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