Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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