Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
