a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
