if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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