I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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