My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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