What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
