I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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