my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
