I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
