I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
