I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
