I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
