I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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