My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
