I hate all girls vehemently.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
