fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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