i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
