cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
