So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
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Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash