doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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