apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
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We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
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Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.