In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
