if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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