I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You should frame my arrest warrant.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
