There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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