i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
