You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
