Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
