Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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