Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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