just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
