Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
